Self-Doubt

Five years ago I participated in a meeting of VA-NGO, the umbrella group of Vietnamese-American Non-governmental Organizations.  As part of a facilitated activity, each of us was asked to write, on a stone from a brook, a personal quality we would like to be finished with.  After a month, we were supposed to throw away that stone.  On my stone I wrote "self-doubt" and, while the ink from the sharpie is almost completely rubbed away, I still have that stone in my car.  I guess it's some kind of horrible talisman.

I do not want to get rid of my self-interrogation, but it is very hard for me to disentangle the two.  Today I heard NJ Governor Chris Christie reveal his "humiliation" at having a staff member close three entry lanes onto the GW Bridge, turning Ft. Lee into one massive gridlock, snagging emergency vehicles and resulting in the death of a 91-year old woman.  I heard him say it was his responsibility, although he added that he supervises 65,000 state employees and can't know what they're all doing all the time.  I heard him say, vehemently, that it was "stupid." What I did not hear him say is that he wanted to figure out what in his behavior, or words, or manner, would have led top staffers to think this was a good idea in his administration.  That is self-reflection.

I have wondered a lot since finishing Stones from the Creek whether it was excessively nervy for me to write in the voices of Black Army veterans, Native American chiefs, Chicano legislators and miners or even Jewish merchants and lawyers of a hundred years ago.  When people of my own social and ethnic background tell me the book was a success, I feel slightly relieved of my fears and doubts.  When people whose life experiences are very different tell me the same, as a few have in the last two days, the fear lifts, at least for a few hours.

Self-doubt is a long time bad habit.  I won't be getting rid of it soon.  But when I can separate it from its cousin and reassure myself that my work is what I hoped, it feels good.